‘Aye, but it’s better than being invisible withoot the ability tae actually dae anything that would make being invisible advantageous.’ ‘Fuck Kev and everybody that listens tae Kev.’ ‘Ah’m just saying aboot your bladder and that.’ ‘Drinking ten cups during an eight-hour shift cannae be good for your bladder.’ ‘Right…’ Charlie gives me a look like I’m nuts. Ah mean, you’re no even meant tae bring tae oan the factory flair either. ‘You’re no meant tae keep drinking it aw day like that. ‘When did you start drinking tea?’ Charlie asks me. ‘Of course.’ I throw a five-pound note at Agatha and leg it for the door. I rush to the counter and grab Agatha’s tea. ‘Large coconut latte and an oat milk tea for Agatha!’ Sorry, Agatha, but that’s my tea now. I walk into a coffee shop, and nobody acknowledges me - standard. ‘Get yourself a cuppa tea and stoap correcting me.’ ‘Ah bet you’ve smoked they weeds, though.’ ‘Why you berating me when ah’m obviously having some existential crisis?’ Lyndsey left you because you showed nae ambition and wanted tae sit vegetating, smoking they weeds.’ That’s whit happens when you’re a wummin wae a fat arse pushing seventy.’ Ah’m trying tae head tae work, and nobody can see me.’ Cos you’re aboot as funny as a tax bill.’ How am I meant to work on a production line when I’m invisible? People are bound to notice. I walk down the street, wave my hands in front of people, and jump in front of them. When I wake up the next morning, I can’t see what my hair looks like, or what my face looks like or what anything attached to me looks like that’s what happens when you’re invisible again. Ah seem tae be invisible sometimes, then no at other times, and ah need tae be visible at aw times for goan back tae work.’ ‘Invisibility isnae whit happens when you take drugs.’ ‘This is whit happens when you take drugs.’ ‘He did! He felt me touch his shoulder, but ah know he couldnae see me! Then he nearly got plastered aff a guy oan a bike.’ Ah asked a guy for directions, and he ran intae oncoming traffic.’ ‘Well, ah just need it tae be the answer tae your problems.’ ‘Tea isnae the answer tae the world’s problems.’ ‘Ah’m no coming ere just tae make sure you’re visible. Ah need you tae come ere and see if you can see me.’
‘Stoap phoning me when you’re smoking they weeds.’
What’s the point in being invisible if you can’t get a five-finger discount? I’m still right here, yet unable to marvel at my reflection and take a selfie. I hope I’ve gone to a better place, but I suspect not.
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